OUR INCREDIBLY (RE)TARDY 2008 NFL PREVIEW!

So yeah, in true Colt Monday fashion, we’re finally getting around to our 2008 NFL predictions. It actually worked out in our favor, because who knew we were all going to have to watch TFB go down in a heap and thusly throw a Chief-sized monkey wrench. (by the way, watching that replay, was your reaction similar to the first time you watched “2 Girls 1 Cup”? Because I sure as shit nearly threw up like a bulimic crackwhore.) I honestly had the Pats (pre-TFB-injury) going all the way to Tampa and wreaking havoc almost as badly as last year, but now… Well, let’s get right to it shall we? Mikey and I will provide you with a sentence long synopsis of each squad (broken down by division), plus how many wins we think they’re good for. Our playoff picks and Super Bowl champs (guaranteed to wrong) are listed at the end.

AFC EAST

Braden’s Division Winner: Jets. (and it kills me to say that)

Mikey’s Division Winner: Pats. Even without TFB they take the East, again.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Braden’s Outlook: Good for maybe 12 wins. Any less, they’ll be out of the playoffs.

Mikey Outlook: Can’t replace Brady, downgrade from great to good..13 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: Matt Cassel + an aging D that could bearly stop Huard and the CHIEFS X a lot of teams trying to pay us back for the pummelings we gave them last year = no division title. It could be a lot worse, but 12 wins is the best I can do, even though they are my boys.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Even minus Brady, this team is stacked with talent. These guys overcome every obstacle, well here’s the biggest one you can get..I think they man up and are up to the job.

MIAMI DOLPHINS

Braden’s Outlook: 1 Win. Again.

Mikey’s Outlook: 2 wins, 100% improvement!!

Braden’s Breakdown: Sorry Parcells, Pennington can’t throw a pebble through a kleenex.

Mikey’s Breakdown: They are bad, really really bad.

BUFFALO BILLS

Braden’s Outlook: 9 wins, just miss out again on the playoffs.

Mikey’s Outlook: 9 wins, bubble team.

Braden’s Breakdown: Marshawn Lynch is a beast and I think they start off hot as hell (5-0), but if he goes down for more than a week, they’re boned.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Weak schedule may get in them to the playoffs.

NY JETS

Braden’s Outlook: 12 wins and division champs, through a tiebreaker with the Pats.

Mikey’s Outlook: 11 wins… maybe more, i hate them.

Braden’s Breakdown: I believe in those WRs now that they’ve got a guy who can toss a ball past 20 yards. That rejiggered O-line is going to be good to Thomas Jones too.

Mikey’s Breakdown: It comes down to the final game against Miami, Miami losses (shock), Jets go on.

AFC NORTH

Braden’s Division Winner: Steelers. Walking away.

Mikey’s Division Winner: Pittsburgh.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

Braden’s Outlook: 6 Wins. (all early and then they fall apart like a Yugo.)

Mikey’s Outlook: 7 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: I like both Flacco and Ray Rice, but that D is getting old.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Wasn’t Flacco played by Keanu Reeves in the Replacements, or was the guy called Falco? Either way none of them are seeing the playoffs.

CINCINNATI BENGALS

Braden’s Outlook: 8 Wins (and that’s being generous)

Mikey’s Outlook: 9 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: I think their D sucks out loud, and I think Marvin Lewis is fired before the year’s out.

Mikey’s Breakdown: I agree Marv’s gone but i think it’s done early and they rally.

CLEVELAND BROWNS

Braden’s Outlook: 5 Wins

Mikey’s Outlook: 6 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: Keeping Derek Anderson was REALLY stupid.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Agreed!

PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Braden’s Outlook: 15 Wins. Seriously. They’re GOOD.

Mikey’s Outlook: 14 wins…Best regular season record.

Braden’s Breakdown: I think Big Bennie & Santonio go nuts, with the help from Willie Parker and my R.O.Y. pick Rashard Medenhall.

Mikey’s Breakdown: It all comes together here, solid on both sides of the ball, experence, a QB you can beleive in and decent coaching.

AFC SOUTH

Braden’s Division Winner: Colts. Barely.

Mikey’s Division Winner: Colts by default.

HOUSTON TEXANS

Braden’s Outlook: 3 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 4 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: I can’t believe ESPN: TOILET READING picked them to make the playoffs.

Mikey’s Breakdown: yawn…..boooorrrrriing and bad.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Braden’s Outlook: 11 wins. (could be as few as 8, but 11 is my guess)

Mikey’s Outlook: 9 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: I think the Bears looked more beastly in week 1 than the Colts looked awful, but the rest of this division SUCKS.

Mikey’s Breakdown: I think something is wrong with Manning, he doesn’t seem like the same guy.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Braden’s Outlook: 9 Wins

Mikey’s Outlook: 7 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: Most overrated team out there, by FAR. If that defense gets beat up at all, they’re the 2007 49ers: all hype.

Mikey’s Breakdown: The O-line destroyed by injuries won’t be able to handle the better defenses they face.

TENNESSEE TITANS

Braden’s Outlook: 1 win, and it already happened.

Mikey’s Outlook: 3 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: When your “franchise” QB is suicidal after Week 1, things aren’t going to go well.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Vinsanity is now a two sport moniker.

AFC WEST

Braden’s Division Winner: Broncos.

Mikey’s Division Winner: Denver.

DENVER BRONCOS

Braden’s Outlook: 16 wins. (NO, YOU FUCK OFF!) 14 at the very least.

Mikey’s Outlook: 12 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: I know, I know, I know. I’m grilled-banana-nut-muffins insane. But I looked over their entire schedule, game by game, and I can’t see them losing on any given week. Cutler is this year’s Tom Brady. Let me say this now: I’m going to regret saying this, but they very well could win it all. HUGE sleeper.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Braden is crazy. Does he know this is the same Jay Cutler as the other years?

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

Braden’s Outlook: 4 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 3 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: I hope Bernard Pollard dies of AIDS, and somehow, a hatchet is also involved.

Mikey’s Breakdown: great googily moogily!

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Braden’s Outlook: 4 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 5 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: JaMarcus is JaBust.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Only coaching staff that may have its own knife fight.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Braden’s Outlook: 12 wins (if they get lucky)

Mikey’s Outlook: 10 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: Another overrated team. Losing Merriman hurts a lot, and If LT gets hurt, they could end up in the top 10 of the draft next year.

Mikey’s Breakdown: The Pats stole their swagger and its never returned, this is a team sure limp in to the playoffs and disappoint.

NFC EAST

Braden’s Division Winner: Cowboys beat Eagles in Philly Week 17 to win it.

Mikey’s Division Winner: E-A-G-L-E-S

DALLAS COWBOYS

Braden’s Outlook: 15 Wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 12 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: Toughest division in football, but they look Keeley Hazell sexy right now.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Its year 3 of T.O. let the countdown to meltdown begin.

NY “FUCKIN” GIANTS

Braden’s Outlook: 11 wins and no chance to repeat, since they ain’t making the playoffs.

Mikey’s Outlook: 10 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: Teams are gonna be amped up to play them this year, and Eli hasn’t had a bigger target on his back since his gay roommate used to sling his hot man-yogurt on him down at Ol’ Miss.

Mikey’s Breakdown: It’s one and done for the Giants… fluke ass motherfuckers.

PHILADELPHIA IGGLES

Braden’s Outlook: 14 Wins. Wild Card.

Mikey’s Outlook: 14 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: Everybody’s gonna get banged up here, but the D is one of the best in the league. (If, unlike what happened in the Super Bowl, ASS-ANTE CAN HANG ONTO THE FUCKING BALL!!!)

Mikey’s Breakdown: Team to beat in the NFC, the defence is for real and Donavan is gonna have a MONSTER year.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Braden’s Outlook: 5 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 4 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: PAGING JOE GIBBS! PAGING JOE GIBBS! ALL IS FORGIVEN! PLEASE COME BACK! THIS CREAMPUFF ZORN IS HORRENDOUS!

Mikey’s Breakdown: Would almost be in the mix in another division…almost.

NFC NORTH

Braden’s Division Winner: Minnesota. or Chicago. Whatever, they’re both gonna make the playoffs.

Mikey’s Division Winner: Da Bears.

CHICAGO BEARS

Braden’s Outlook: 12 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 12 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: That D looks fired up, and If they just hiked the ball to Devin Hester standing 10 yards behind the center and let him do his thing, he could cure cancer (or at least, that’s what the Pregame guys want me to think, they tongue-bathe this guy’s junk so much.)

Mikey’s Breakdown: Imagine if they had a real QB.

DETROIT LIONS

Braden’s Outlook: 3 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 5 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: If all the NFL GMs were on the SNL cast, Matt Millen would be Tim Meadows or Darryl Hammond. No one knows how he’s hung in this long.

Mikey’s Breakdown: They will win just enough games to keep them picking 6th-ish in the draft.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

Braden’s Outlook: 11 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 10 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: I love their D, and the offense will be fine. This is just a killer division, almost as tough as the NFC East.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Seems like a wild card berth but if it starts to get away from Rodgers it could fall apart in a hurry.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Braden’s Outlook: 12 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 9 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: Tavaris is going to settle in and run the offense, and I think if they play a soft zone D bend-but-don’t-break style, they won’t be outscored.

Mikey’s Breakdown: I wanna drink the purple drank but too many question marks in a tough division to get them to the postseason.

NFC SOUTH

Braden’s Division Winner: Saints, but Carolina’s right there if they slip up.

Mikey’s Division Winner: New Orleans.

ATLANTA FALCONS

Braden’s Outlook: 8 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 7 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: Their running game is legit, and Matty Ice will be decent, if inconsistent.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Learning year for Ryan but will they will have their moments.

CAROLINA PANTHERS

Braden’s Outlook: 10 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 8 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: Jake D has a nice bounce-back year, and they make some decent noise, but Peppers and that D need to play up to their potential for once.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Let’s get on board with Delhomme just back from Tommy John surgery…uh no.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Braden’s Outlook: 11 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 13 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: I have a feeling like their going to battle more than their fair share of injuries, but Shockey is going to help Brees out a lot.

Mikey’s Breakdown: It’s there for them to take…not the easiest schedule but I am big on Brees and Co. Plus if this is the Reggie Bush Official Breakout Year its on, sucka.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Braden’s Outlook: 2 wins.

Mikey’s Outlook: 3 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: They’ve got a really tough schedule, and they’ve got no D anymore. Chucky’s getting slashed this time around, and I feel like they’ll bark up the Pete Carroll tree at the end of the year.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Still lead the league in pirate ships.

NFC WEST

Braden’s Division Winner: Anybody who halfheartedly gives a damn. Arizona.

Mikey’s Division Winner: Cards…cause I have to pick someone.

ARIZONA CARDINALS

Braden’s Outlook: 8 wins. In this crap-ass division, that’s enough.

Mikey’s Outlook: 9 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: They could go 6-10 and still win it, by my count.

Mikey’s Breakdown: I don’t get why the aren’t starting Leinart…you’re gonna get the wins either way …turn the keys over.

ST. LOUIS RAMS

Braden’s Outlook: 4 wins. All after week 10.

Mikey’s Outlook: 4 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: I had high hopes for them, but they couldn’t stop a runny nose. God, this division sucks.

Mikey’s Breakdown: You could put lipstick on a ram but it would still suck at football.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ers

Braden’s Outlook: 1 win.

Mikey’s Outlook: 3 wins

Braden’s Breakdown: Who’s their starting QB again? Oh right, J.T. O’SweetBabyJesusWeAreGonnaSuckOutLoud. Good luck.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Someone has to win when they play Seattle.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Braden’s Outlook: 3 wins. All at home.

Mikey’s Outlook: 2 wins.

Braden’s Breakdown: Your starting Seattle WRs: The Locker Room Attendant & Tallish Dude pulled out of a coffee shop. They can’t run for DICK.

Mikey’s Breakdown: Worst team in the worst division…it’s like being the biggest the skank on flavor of love…noteworthy but not good.

PLAYOFFS!

Braden’s AFC Matchups:

1st Rd

Chargers @ Jets – Favre throws a late backbreaking pick, after LT runs roughshod all day. Chargers advance.

Pats @ Colts – The D plays out of their mind, and the Colts have some unfortunate turnovers. Pats advance in a squeaker.

2nd Rd

Pats @ Broncos – Mile High helps Cutler through his jitters, and Cassel can’t cut it when he needs to. Broncos by 10.

Chargers @ Steelers – Rivers stinks it up, and the Steelers run away with it. Steelers advance.

AFC Championship:

Steelers @ Broncos – Broncos D can’t stop Parker & Mendenhall, and Big Ben, who’s been here before, gets it done.

BRADEN’S AFC CHAMP: STEELERS

Mikey’s AFC Matchups:

1st Rd

Chargers @ Pats – Pats, Saint Brady or not, OWN the Chargers in the playoffs.

Jets @ Colts – Farve vs Satan Manning…going with NY boys here behind a Farve throwback specail.

2nd Rd

Pats @ Broncos – New England’s big game experience gives them the nod in a squeeker.

Jets @ Steelers – The Jets run out of gas against a rested and dominant Steelers.

AFC Championship:

Pats @ Steelers- The game where not having Tom Brady swings the season, Cassell will have nothing to be ashamed of but won’t be able to take the Pats back to the superbowl in this one.

MIKEY’S AFC CHAMP: STEELERS

Braden’s NFC Matchups:

1st Rd

Bears @ Saints -That D locks Brees down, and Forte has a big day. Bears advance

Eagles @ Cardinals -This one’s gonna be a whuppin’. Arizona’s just happy to be here. Eagles by 21.

2nd Rd

Bears @ Cowboys – Too many weapons on Dallas’ O, so they take it. The week off helps. Cowboys by 10.

Eagles @ Vikings – Eagles come in and rock T-Jack’s world. AP has an off day. Eagles by 7.

NFC Championship:

Eagles @Cowboys – T.O. talks enough trash for us all to hope for Philly to come through, but Witten & Barber rule the day. Cowboys by 10.

BRADEN’S NFC CHAMP: COWBOYS

Mikey’s NFC Matchups:

1st Rd

Dallas @ Arizona – Dallas rolls over an overmatched Cardinals team.

Green Bay @ New Orleans – Aaron Rogers season comes to a screeching halt in Saints blowout.

2nd Rd

New Orleans @ Eagles – McNabb and Westbrook prove to be too much for the Saints D.

Dallas @ Bears – Don’t trust Romo or T.O in the big games, Bears hang on in low scoring battle.

NFC Championship:

Bears @ Eagles: This one hinges on home field, play it at Soldiers Field and I go with Chicago but the hometown Eagles ride the craziness that will the Illadephia to victory come that Sunday.

MIKEY’S NFC CHAMP:EAGLES

SUPER BOWL PREDICTIONS

Braden:

Steelers Vs Cowboys – After talking junk for two weeks, T.O. is a non-factor (again) and the Steelers win on a couple of deep balls and ball-control. Steelers 24 Cowboys 20.

BRADEN’S 2008 SUPER BOWL CHAMPION: PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Mikey:

Steelers Vs Eagles – The battle of Pennsylvania goes the Eagles. Steelers play tough but can’t quite contain the Eagles offence in a Super Bowl Classic. Philly 28- Steelers 23

MIKEY’S 2008 SUPER BOWL CHAMPION: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

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3 Responses to OUR INCREDIBLY (RE)TARDY 2008 NFL PREVIEW!

  1. Southie says:

    Since I’m probably the only person who is actually going to read this whole thing, I thought I’d offer up a few quick predictions of my own:

    1. The Pats go 8-0 until Matt Cassel inexplicably grows a mustache, starts dating Tara Reid, and films a knock-off of the Shaq video where he asks Matt Leinhart how his ass tastes. They then finish the season 16-0.

    2. Jay Cutler leads the Broncos to the AFC West title before being stabbed in a bar fight by Wilford Brimley over the pronunciation of “dia-bee-tus.”

    3. Favre succumbs to the Madden curse, Jets fans are reminded that Kellen Clemons is their backup quarterback, hilarity ensues.

    4. Eli Manning something something mouth breathing cocksucker.

    5. Donovan McNabb won’t get any respect because he is a black quarterback. Also, because he won’t show up in the big game. But mostly because he’s black, right?

    6. The NFC West will be demoted to Division 1-A, and the SEC East will be promoted to NFC West.

    7. Norv Turner will sob openly on the sideline at some point this season. Marty Schottenheimer will smile for the first time in sixteen years.

    8. Tavaris Jackson will repeatedly throw back breaking interceptions and incompletions, hang his head, walk to the sidelines, and sigh with relief when he sees Gus Frerotte holding the clipboard.

    9. Announcers will compare the play a rejuvenated Kerry Collins to Kerry Collins in his prime. Collins will take the comparisons one step further and start showing up to work drunk and shouting the N-word at his teammates again.

    10. Marvin Lewis will be the next Bengal arrested for DUI.

  2. Pingback: GOD, I’M GOOD. « Colt Monday

  3. lowid says:

    Greets! Really funny. Big ups! Tnx!

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