THAT GUY – THAT GUY WHO DOESN’T THINK FIREWORKS ARE THE BEST THING EVER
Well, alright then. I’ve been doing this bit on WZLX for over 2 years now, and I’ve got plenty of them, but considering I’ve been seeing more ripoffs of it, I thought I might as well stake my claim.
Listen to it here: That Guy – “FIREWORKS ARE LAME!” Originally aired July 6th, 2008 on 100.7 WZLX Boston’s Classic Rock : The “Karlson & McKenzie” Morning Show. Dowload it here:
There are many more here.
Here we go…
USA! USA! USA!
That Guy – “Fireworks are Lame!”
Well hey there, ya jagaloons. So I was out with a couple of my brothers and a couple of my brother’s friends the other night for the fourth, and we were trying to get a handle on our night. we all wanted to get downtown at a good hour to see the fireworks, yet leave enough time for the boozin’ and to get to the beach to set off our own personal stash of mayhem rockets my neighbor was nice enough to bring back from his trip to South Carolina.
Well, while we were all in a hurry trying to get our day of freedom off the launchpad, my brother’s friend Steve was dragging his commie pinko feet. “I don’t know, why are we in a rush? It’s just fireworks. No big deal if we miss them.” I’m sorry, no big deal? Then I guess it’s no big deal if we go ahead and call you out for being that guy, huh? That Guy who doesn’t think fireworks are THE BEST THING EVER.
What’s a matter with you slappy? Fireworks are the very stuff of symbolic patriotism and juvenile delinquency, they’re what make America and the 4thof july great. Hate to steal Vince Wilfork’s line but, point blank, If you don’t think fireworks are awesome, you need to go take awesome lessons. There’s nothing like the rush you get from firing off a few dozen hastily made Chinese explosives in a heavy residential area.
I know it’s all sorts of illegal here in TightAss-achusetts, but if drunkenly shooting bottle rockets at a corrugated metal shed is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Fireworks are a tremendous treat, not only are they fun to look at, but they come in handy if you’re looking for a way to come up with new nicknames for your friends. Try it out next time: Set a few ‘crackers off “accidentyally” on a low trajectory, or right behind somebody talking on a cell phone. In no time, you’ll be addressing them thusly: What’s up Scrambles, Hey there Patches, How goes it, Stubby and Meatclaw?
Oh, and they have plenty more uses than making the sky light up all pretty and scaring the bejezzus out of your neighnbors dog! You can pair them with your old childhood toys to make your very own low-budget Transformers sequel that doesn’t suck a big ol’ sack of Richards. You can use them to assure your aunt never asks you to babysit your 10 year old cousin ever again, and best of all, they are the ultimate Darwinian tool to thin out the herd of morons out there.
Every year, scores of toothless rednecks lacking two brain cells to rub together decide it would be a good idea to set off a pyrotechnic show indoors or out of their bunghole Steve-O style, and boom, just like that, we don’t have to worry about them spreading their dimwit seed down to future generations, because they just inadvertently spread it across the trailer park.
Hell, why don’t we hand ‘em out to everybody within 500 yards of the Michael Jackson Memorial on Tuesday? You know that’s not going to be a MENSA convention, I bet we could raise the nation’s collective IQ 20 points or so. I like my fireworks like Kevin likes his farts, loud, colorful and if possible, around unsuspecting victims, the more the merrier.
As the saying goes, there’s no better way of celebrating this great country by blowing up a small part of it, and fireworks make it happen, Captain. For me, a 4thof July without fireworks sounds worse than the one Steve McNair just had, so shape up bucko, and hold this old coffee can while I light this puppy. Otherwise, I’ll take this lit M-80 and cram it up your cramhole. Do me a favor, don’t be That Guy.
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