Well hey there, ice queens. So I was out doing some reluctant Christmas shopping on Saturday when I stopped into a store a college buddy of mine is working in temporarily (yes, a 4-year degree in writing earned a private college will land you a plum job in holiday retail nowadays) and during his cigarette break we went right outside the door, where he held it for the customers in and out. Now back in college this guy who was currently holding the door for little old ladies carrying bags used to write poetry advocating that the elderly be made into a slurry and fed to cattle, but that wasn’t the only thing I found funny. No matter what the customers said to him leaving the store, he replied Season’s greetings.
Merry Christmas. Season’s greetings.
Happy holidays. Season’s greetings.
Happy Hanukkah Season’s Greetings.
Get your tubby ass out of the way, Season’s greetings.
I chuckled every time he did it, and I asked him why, and he pointed at the extremely uptight fella behind one of the registers. It was his boss, the manager. It was also That Guy. That guy who’s way too PC around the holidays.
Look, there’s been a bit of a backlash against political correctness this year, it seems like nearly everybody is kinda revolting against the being all careful around other people’s feelings nowadays. For the last couple of years, you had to tiptoe around the issue, and if you made the quote-unquote mistake of wishing someone a merry Christmas instead of the neutral and non-binding Season’s greetings, you’d have some PC Nazis jumping down your throat quicker than Kevin can suck the gumdrops off a gingerbread house.
This year, it seems like we all have more than enough things to give a flying fuck about, like the economy, job security, Justin Bieber’s popularity, Hanna Montana smoking a bong, Tom Brady’s hair, crippling personal debt, whether or not your boss is going to be so drunk at the office party that he’ll trap you under the mistletoe and try to slip you the mistlefinger and who’s gonna bat leadoff for the Sox, so the whole PC thing has gone by the wayside. But apparently, there are still some pockets of tightassedness, and this crumbugger can’t let it go.
The argument is as old and tired and fraught with peril as Kevin’s favorite pair of tightie-used-to-be-whities, but we can’t seem to get over it. It’s more annoying than those damn car commercials featuring the oh-so-twee hipster couple singing Christmas carols. Look, if somebody wishes you a merry Christmas, just parrot it back and repeat it. Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Kwanzaa – Happy Hanukkah, same thing… I mean, is it really that much of a big deal?
I have yet to meet anybody who’s been offended by a joyous and friendly greeting. It’s not like Kevin’s gonna get all huffy and puffy if I give him bacon instead of sausage, he’s gonna inhale it and move on. I’d love to spend some more quality time roasting your chestnuts over this or coming up with another holiday reference using a funny pun, but I’m a little busy trying to buy enough Christmas lights so I can make the most festive noose ever.
To all of you throwing caution to the wind and doling out non-inclusive holiday well wishes, I salute you, to all of those too shook to stop being all namby pamby and not mumble merry Xmas, man up or else I’ll take your festivus pole and cram it up your cramhole. Do me a favor, don’t be that guy.