Listen to it here: WZLX Karlson & McKenzie’s Podcast Page. Originally aired NOVEMBER 23rd, 2009 on 100.7 WZLX Boston’s Classic Rock : The “Karlson & McKenzie” Morning Show. download it here:

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That Guy who doesn’t eat turkey on thanksgiving

Well hey there, turdcutters. So I was kinda undecided where I was going to go for Thanksgiving this year, as my parents are out-of-town on vacation and my brothers can’t make toast without setting something on fire, so my options are slim. I’d go to one of these -tankasses houses, but you know there’s never going to be enough food for me, and I’d probably leave with karlson’s bitemarks  on my arm reaching for the jumbo sized monogrammed gravy boat.

Well, I thought I had it all figured out, as my buddy invited me over to have dinner with his girlfriend, until he told me what he was planning on serving, and I turned his offer down quicker than Kevin will pass on the steamed green leafy things on Thursday. They’re called vegetables, Kev, and they’re all my buddy was planning on cooking up, so he’s now that guy. That guy who ain’t going to eat turkey on Thanksgiving.

What the hell is wrong with you man? Turkey on Thanksgiving is a tradition, like Kevin coming back on the following Monday with grease stains on his briefcase and yet another chin, and Pete coming back with a fresh new screwdriver hole in his belt. It’s been going on since the Pilgrims invited the Indians over, trading yams for smallpox, and then they all sat on their couches, burping and watching football until their parents went to sleep and then out to the strip club.

I don’t care if you’re vegetarian, vegan, or allergic to defeathered deliciousness, you’ve got to eat at least a bit of turkey on turkey day. And yes, I agree the fixin’s and sides are the best part of the meal, but the turkey makes the rest of that possible, it’s like an accessory to the murder of your waistline. Don’t try to buck the trend and serve spiral ham or pot roast, you’re mucking things up, not being creative or independent.

You don’t care for turkey? Look, I don’t care if it makes you sleepier than if somebody roofied your PF Chang’s poo-poo platter and then popped in a book on tape copy of Stephen hawking reading The Notebook, it’s mandatory, muckmelon.  Not having turkey on Thanksgiving day is weirder than that time you walked in on your cousin with the wallet chain cornholing his sisters stuffed Care Bear.

I eventually agreed to go over to my girlfriends house, even though I know they plan on going to see twilight before dinner and then squawk about it like a legion of seagulls swarming over a rotting beached whale carcass. And by the way, for all of you dreaming of getting Bitten by Edward, why don’t you do all of us a favor and take a stroll into oncoming traffic. If you want to be bitten by a vampire that sparkles, you’d have a much better shot dressing up as a pillow and going to a goth night in the South End.

 But my girlfriend’s family is going to have turkey there, like the rest of red-blooded America, and that’s just fine with me. So keep your invitation and have your turkeyless thanksgiving dinner without me, don’t bother calling me either, because I’m going to pretend like I’m the offspring of Carmen San Diego and Waldo, cause my ass is going to be invisible and un-fuckin’-findable.

I don’t care if your serving the best mashed potatoes ever or unmarked 50 dollar bills pie, I’m going to be no show, so stop sending me the e-vite, asswipe. Other wise, I’ll take buy my own butterball, drive on over, and cram it up your cramhole, to show you my unholy version of the turducken. Do me a favor, Don’t be that guy.