THE BRUINS ARE THE BEST SPORTS TEAM WE’VE GOT IN BOSTON (RIGHT NOW)

That commercial rules my face.

So I was clicking around on Boston.com this morning, and they’ve got an article on the front page pointing out Boston has a chance of winning the “Title Slam” this year (Super Bowl, World Series, Stanley Cup and the NBA title; all in the same year). While I think that’s not out of the question, it’s FAR too early to start discussing that dream scenario, I do think we’ve got to start talking about how Boston is about to become a hockey town again.

Your Boston Bruins, who’ve got first crack at their league’s championship this year, also have the BEST shot out of all of them.

 Now, I don’t really follow hockey as close as the other major sports, but I’ve been to a handful of Bruins games this year and a bunch more over the last few, when they sucked out loud. And let me tell you: I’m fired up. I’m actually geeked out over their chances this year. I’m going to watch a LOT of hockey over the next two months (or however long the B’s are in it), and I’m almost as psyched as I was for the Celtics last year, and their return to the top of the heap.

Honestly, I think the Bruins have the best shot out of all the Boston teams to win a title this year.  They’re tough, fast and young, with just enough experience to mess with anybody. Savard is ridiculous, Thornton’s a scrapper, and Lucic is a freakin’ beast. The addition of Recchi at the deadline was genius, and I think he’ll play a major role if they hit a rough spot.

As far as the other guys go, the Celtics are going to have a tough time beating both Cleveland & LA without home court. You know it hurts me to say it, but it doesn’t look likely that they can repeat, with LeBron finally having enough help and Kobe getting Bynum back.  Who knows what’s up with the Sox (Lester is serving up more meatballs than an Italian grandmother), but I think the loss of Manny is really going to hurt, and we are REALLY going to miss his bat. We’ll have to wait to see what the Pats do in the draft, but right now, your hometown hockey team are the best shot Boston has at a title. Go B’s!

Oh, and how bad do you want one of these?

OK. THE BRUINS ARE FOR REAL.

Dude, I was trying not to get swept up and held out on crowing about them, but it’s time to get your blistered ass on the B’s bandwagon. This team is the most talented one they’ve fielded (Ed. – or is it rinked?) in a long time. The line Savard, Lucic and Kessel is sicker than your mom’s stomach after a bukkake janitor jamboree. I don’t even know what that means, but seriously, the Bruins are the buzzworthy team right now in the Bean. The Celtics have pretty much clinched a playoff spot already, the Pats aren’t going to get in (and even if they do, it ain’t going to last too long), and the Sox slept through the winter meetings, so if you need something to follow (besides the creepy old guy who’s promising you free backrubs and lollipops) the Bruins are where it’s at. Who knows, maybe this guy might make suddenly get some mojo and motor function back:

Go B’s!

AT LEAST I DON’T DRINK WINE AT BRUINS GAMES

So the boys over at Toucher & Rich were talking smack over the whole Deadspin thing today (which I thought was hilarious and all in good fun) and they were calling me out for copping to crying when Pierce raised the trophy. Yeah, it’s a bit of a pansy thing to admit to, but I’m not ashamed of it. Watching the C’s raise the banner was important to me on a personal level, and for reasons i’m sure as shit not going to go into here.

Whatever; I don’t have to explain myself to a guy who runs a poor-man’s ripoff of Opie & Anthony on the same station they broadcast on in the mornings. But when I call in to defend myself and you don’t let me on the air and then proceed to talk shit about me for 5 more minutes; well, that’s when this happens:

"Oh, Porter? Would you mind slipping a roofie in my date's next glass for me? This one didn't take."

 Yup. That’s from Opening night at the Garden, when Toucher (pictured here, I was nice enough to crop out his “date”) showed up an hour late for his gig at FanFest and then ignored all the people who wanted to meet him by bunkering down with B-Real in a private booth afterwards. I had two listeners with me who went up to meet him at the bar and they said he didn’t even acknowledge them. Drinkin’ some cabernet while pretending to watch the Bruins was more important than meeting your fans, I guess. For a guy who makes fun of other people for being fruity, you can’t get much more assholish than that. We work two floors above him, I see him in the hallways all the time, and this might just be him, but WOW: he thinks his shit don’t stink. He doesn’t return a hello in the hallway, he doesn’t return emails, he’ll sabatoge your show with a fake bit of audio just to make his show look good, and he sure as shit will take your contact list and not offer any back in return. His cohort on the show, Rich, is a very funny cool dude, but from what I can tell, Toucher’s a prick. So go ahead, keep calling me a pussy; at least I’m not a fake who’s rude to the people who keep me employed and DRINKS WINE AT A HOCKEY GAME.

And it’s a shame what they did to B-Real. He used to be a good kid, when he was working as the receptionist at WZLX (No shame in it, I used to do it too.). Now he’s a little Toucher Prick-clone. That fucking sucks.

TWO AMERICAN HEROES, SIDE BY SIDE!

Eruzione Scores! Assist by Moriarty! The crowd goes wild!

Sunday night was the 3rd annual Boston Sports Fans Choice Awards down at the Hyatt Regency downtown in the Bean, and your favorite radio producer was called into duty to get up on stage and make a fool out of myself in front of TV cameras (it’s going to air on Comcast SportsNet sometime in the near future) and a handful of Boston Sports notables (Luis Tiant, Jo Jo White, Cedric Maxwell, Shaughnessy presented before me, Vince Wilfork, Laurence Maroney, to namedrop a few). So yeah, I presented the WZLX Hometown Heroes award with none other than the man who singlehandedly destroyed Communism in 1980, “Miracle” Mike “Rizzo” Eruizione. That’s right. Miracle on Ice II. The captain of USA Hockey and I threw down in a patriotic tandem the likes of which haven’t been seen since Captain America & GI Joe teamed up for the extremely crappy crossover comic that I shouldn’t admit to owning. Then we got tanked with a bunch of ‘ZLX listeners. Feel the freedom, bitches.

That's right. We have huge black balls.

Go ahead, bring out Drago! We'll f*** him up, too. We don't care.

THE SPORTS FANS INSIDE MY HEAD HAVE THEIR YEARLY MEETING

(An unfurnished room except for one table, 4 chairs, a clock and an intercom on the table. There’s no windows and only one door.)

Red Sox Fan: Where the hell are these bastards? It’s nearly 7:05, for Pedroia’s sake! These lazy punks can’t even bother to get here on time. I’d be better off counting on A-Rod past April. I could be surfing for a green Jason Bay jersey right now.

****Door flies open****

Bruins Fan: (Drops pants around ankles) WOOP WOOP! Ooooo-hoo, sorry. Me looking for Zdeno.

Sox Fan: Great, Gomer’s here.

Bruins Fan: Zdenooooooooooooooooooo!

Sox Fan: Dude, he ain’t here, flanksteak, I doubt he’s even climbed out of his coffin from the summer yet. Did you see any of the other guys out there?

****Door creaks open slowly****

Pats Fan: Oh hey. What’s up, guys?

Sox Fan: Well well well. It’s about time.

Bruins Fan: I want a pretzel!

Pats Fan: Good for you, buddy. We gonna do this or what?

Sox Fan: We’re not all here yet, moron. I know you have a problem with counting, Mr. “Perfect” Season, but I thought you’d have worked on that since February.

Pats Fan: Hey, screw you, junkstain! At least we didn’t trade our best player for a guy who looks like he was born 3 months premature and then flunked out of dental school.

Sox Fan: He was going to tank the rest of the season! That’d be like having the Oakland Raider-Era Randy Moss for the playoffs! You guys wouldn’t have made it past the Chargers.

Pats Fan: Whatever, Phyllis Rivers and LeTeshia Tomlinson would have been toast even if we had cut off Randy’s legs.

Sox Fan: Yeah, maybe you should have tried that against the Giants when it mattered most, jackass.

Pats Fan: You shut your mouth! We all decided that was never to be mentioned again! You don’t hear me bring up Aaron Boone anymore!

Sox Fan: Oh grow up Nancy. You were an insufferable jackhole last year up until the Super Bowl; hell, you we’re giving noogies to Rain Man over there and swinging the Revs Fan around by his ankles.

Pats Fan: Huh? Rev’s Fan? Who the fuck is that?

Sox Fan: The quiet guy over there.

 

Pats Fan: I keep telling you, that’s just a mop, you idiot. We we’re going to mop up the league remember? That was an excellent use of a prop last year.

Sox Fan: …and how’d that work out for you? I told you it was stupid to count your chickens before they hatch, but you were too busy talkin’ smack your beloved Pats couldn’t back up.

Bruins Fan: I had nachos! They were spicy! I need milkies! (sits down in corner Indian style and takes a bottle of elmer’s glue out of his osh-koshes; he opens up bottle then pours it into his mouth)

Sox Fan: Yeah, that can only end well.

Pats Fan: Let him be. He’s got nothing to live for anyway. Jacobs killed any chance for him years ago. We should just dump him in the hole with the repressed memories and be done with it, kinda like your boys’ chances at winning the division this year. They couldn’t even keep up with the friggin’ Rays when they had Manny. And now that Beckett’s vajajay is acting up, you guys are cooked.

Sox Fan: They’re playing out of their mind! Beckett’s gonna come back! Bay’s gonna do great! You’ll see!

****Door flies open****

Celtics Fan: Booya BEEYOTCHES! Anything is POSSIBLE!!!!! (Sprays champagne over everything)

Bruins Fan: WOOOO WOOOO! Scrubby bubbles! (starts clapping like a seal)

Pats Fan: Great. It’s about time, assblaster.

Celts Fan: That’s RIGHT, boyos! Banner 17! The Green is back, baby! What’s up now, numbskulls? How the hell are we?!

Sox Fan: Well, we were going to get down to business as soon as you got here. Thanks for gracing us with your presence, goobmonkey. Congrats, by the way.

Celts Fan: Well thank you, my fellow fan of a champion. Well, for another month anyway.

Sox Fan: Hey!

Pats Fan: Come on, can we just get this over with already? Forrest Gump over there is getting squirmy, and he’s gonna get to be a handful soon.

Bruins Fan: Where’s the Zdeno?! I need to Zdeno! (Starts banging head against wall)

Celts Fan: Oh, cheer up, Bucko. if it can happen for me, it might very well one day happen for you.

Bruins Fan: Yaaay! (picks nose, eats it)

Celts Fan: Or not.

Pats Fan: All right, all right. Come on, let’s just get this over with.

Celts Fan: Hold on there, who said the fan of one of the biggest chokejobs in history got to speak? I’d feel a lot better about you piping up if you could have shut that preening gasbag Mercury Morris up for good, but apparently your boys are too crotchety and crusty to close the deal, huh? You’ll be lucky to get 10 wins this year with the AARP as your defense again.

Pats Fan: Hey! We had one of the most dominant seasons in history! Nobody has accomplished what the Pats did last year before, ever!

Sox Fan: Oh, stuff it, cornhole. You’re boys didn’t accomplish JACK. No trophy, no bragging rights. Shut up and sit down, dinkcheese.

Celts Fan: Amen to that, champ. Besides, after what my guys did, going worst to first, and you guys making fun of me for the last 20 years, you both owe me some serious props for all the crap you guys gave me during the Todd Day years.

Pats Fan: Aw, please, you just got lucky.

Sox Fan: Did you say that to the Giants fan after that half baked abortion in Arizona?

Pats Fan: F*** YOU!

Celts Fan: Settle down, sparky. Your going to need than energy when Brady goes down in week 2 to pull what’s left out of your hair out.

Pats Fan: DON’T SAY THAT! DON’T YOU EVER SAY THAT! YOU DON’T EVEN GET TO SAY HIS NAME! (pulls paper bag out of pocket, starts breathing into it maniacally)

Sox Fan: Hey, we’ve all seen the preseason. They’d be f’ed worse than Giselle in a backalley scramble if TFB went down.

Celts Fan: Kind of like you guys, now with Beckett all torn to hell.

Pats Fan: Already said that.

Sox Fan: HE’S FINE! IT’S JUST A PRECAUTION!!!

Bruins fan: I had nachos!

Celtics Fan: Hey now! That’s great, guy. Ok, can we just go ahead and wrap this up already? I think it’s a no brainer. I’m the one with the newly minted champs, I’ve been here the longest, amd, frankly, it’s long overdue. Let’s go ahead and ring it in.

Sox Fan: Hey, not so fast, dingleberries! We’re gonna make the postseason, for sure, and then Tito’s gonna take us all the way again, and that’ll be back-to-back trophies for this guy. I’m voting for the boys from Fenway.

Pats Fan: Hey, well my boys…

Sox Fan: BLEW IT!

Celts Fan: Blew it HUGE.

Bruins Fan: (with a mouthful of paste) BLUINS!

Celts Fan: I mean, like it was a truckstop hooker after being handed a baggie of meth.

Sox Fan: Yeah, after that royal screw-up, you got no shot at it this year, toolbag. Just choose between us and let’s wheel Hockey-Sloth out of here before he makes any more mess.

Pats Fan: Aw, screw you guys. Freakin’ Tyree. Fine. I vote for Celts Guy.

Celts Fan: YES! Everything’s coming up Celtics!

Sox Fan: What?! Why the HELL would you do that?!

Pats Fan: You don’t have the horses, guy. It’s not in the cards for you this year, not with the Angels and the Rays. Besides, it’s been a while for him. Let’s spread the wealth a bit, huh?

Sox Fan: Fine. I don’t care. But you guys are seriously selling me short.

Celts Fan: How about you, Gilbert? Who do you want to vote for?

Bruins Fan: ZDENO! (Throws empty bottle of glue at Celtics fan, starts doing somersaults, with his pants still around his ankles)

Pats Fan: I guess that’s as close as we’re gonna get to anything that counts as a vote out of him.

Celts Fan: Allright! Buzz the boys upstairs and let’s get this puppy going! (Hits buzzer on the intercom)

Voice of Reason: Somebody rang?

Celts Fan: Yeah. We’re all done here, we voted, and we decided that we want season tickets for your MUTHATRUCKIN’ 2008 NBA champs… THEEEEEEE Boston Celtics!

Voice of Reason: Yeah, that’s great and all, but the big guy’s still working at that cheap-ass station with those two fat schlubs. He still doesn’t have any money. In fact, he’s got less of it. He bought a condo. You guys will be lucky if he goes to a game this year.

Celts Fan: GODDAMMIT! What a freakin’ loser!

Pats Fan: Well, at least he’s good looking.

Sox Fan: No doubting that.

Celts Fan: So I get nothing?

Voice of Reason: We’ll work something out.

Celts Fan: Well, that’s a royal plow in the ass.

Voice of Reason:I’ll put the request in. Sorry, fellas.

Bruins Fan: OOOOP OOOOP! ZDENO’S COMING!! (takes a gigantic dump in the corner)

Bruins Fan: ZDENO-DOO-DANDY!

Pats Fan: For Christ’s sake. Grab the Revs Fan and give me a hand. Meeting adjourned.

 

****ONE WEEK LATER SOMEWHERE IN SOUTHIE****

 

Braden: I’m a f*ckin’ genius.