DWAYNE WADE RAPES ANDERSON VAREJAO IN THE FACE

God, I hate the Cavs. This is easily the dunk of the year so far, and what they don’t show you (until the replay) is LeBron getting blocked to start this play. He’ll probably have Nike collect all the tapes of this game and have them burned again.

EAT IT, LEBRON! (IF YOU DON’T, SHAQ SURE WILL)

Crazy Home Opener crowd? Check! 
Shiny new (and Orca-fat) offseason acquisition Shaquille O’Neal? Check!
Best player on the planet getting every call in the book? Check!
Spotted a 14-point 1st quarter lead? Check!

Didn’t matter. Cavs still lost. TO YOUR MUTHAFUCKIN’ 2010 NBA CHAMPS!

I feel like everybody forgot the Celtics started last season 27-2. Then they didn’t recall the fact we didn’t have Garnett for half the year. Then they didn’t recognize that the C’s added Rasheed “Cornell West” Wallace, Marquis “Catfish” Daniels, and Shelden “Ken Griffey Jr after he got addicted to the tonic on the Simpsons in the baseball episode” Williams.  We now have the deepest bench in the league. Shaq looks like he ate Delonte. The rest of the Eastern conference is going to be our bitch all season long.

Banner 18 is on its way, bitches. Even if we have to root for a Dookie.

I can’t be the first to make that correlation. Oh wait, I wasn’t:  
sheldenwilliamstonic.ytmnd.com

LET’S CATCH UP: AN EPIC STREAM OF RANTS

So I missed a lot of stuff to make fun of over the past month during our hiatus. It pisses me off, too;  I can imagine Mike and I arguing on the phone over who got to pen the requisite “JON & KATE+ 8 CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES WITH A RUSTY CLAW HAMMER” post. 
It did get me thinking, though; What if there was a good enough phone company (Lord knows, it ain’t AT&T) who could patch me in so I could talk to Mikey, wherever he is, and we could hash out what we missed? Here’s the topics we would surely cover, and while I’m not going to speak for Mikey, I can offer up how I would have gone into the discussion.

Off we go:

“Hey Mike, what do you think about…”

THE LAKERS: YOUR (NOT MINE) ‘09 NBA CHAMPS

“Talk about L-U-C-K-Y. If KG is healthy, the C’s DESTROY them. We’d be posting pictures of duckboats in a sea of green for the second year in a row right now.”

which of course would lead us to:

Hold on, bracing myself for my absolute disgust at this upcoming picture…

“Oh, fuck you and the Gasol you rode in on!”

 

KOBE

“Just a Grade-A Cockface on every level. The fact that he’s done the non-stop promo & press runs on EVERY. FUCKING. TV. SHOW. EVER. by himself without his teammates is proof he’s so self-absorbed Kanye would call him a dick. How about the fact while everyone else on the team wore the same thing at the parade, he wore a different shirt calling attention to his 4 rings? Or the fact that everytime he poses with the trophy, he holds up 4 fingers, like it’s just HIS trophy? You didn’t do it alone, Kobe; you never did! Get fucked and stay fucked!”

Which would lead to:

PHIL JACKSON: BEST COACH EVER?

“FUCK and NO. The talent pool is so watered down now, you need only 3 things to win:  two All-Stars, a decent bench, and everybody to stay healthy. Back when Red did it, every team was stacked, travel was harder, and Red actually BUILT his teams. All Phil did was get lucky with having Jordan land in his lap, then Shaq, and then Gasol to help Kobe. Now if Phil and Kobe did it without Gasol, I’d be open to quibbles. But the fact the West was nowhere near as competitive or dominant this year as it has been, and the Celtics were decimated by injuries, I think this one can’t be called “hard-earned”. To be a good coach, you have to overcome adversity, and not just win games you’re supposed to win. He never screwed the pooch, like Mike Brown did in the Orlando series. Does that deserve the title of “Best Coach Ever”? Luckiest Coach ever, sure, but not best. You didn’t even have to play LeBron!”    

which would lead us to:

LeBRON

“What the fuck, guy? How do you let the Magic beat you? Granted, your coach couldn’t teach my shoes to stink, but DAMN.  This was your YEAR to win it in, and for, Cleveland. Dude, you done fucked up.”

… and that would have lead to this:

SHAQ TRADED TO CAVS

“Yeah, maybe two years ago, but that ain’t going to get it done now. Phoenix didn’t even make the playoffs last year! Not to mention: HE’S FUCKING 38!!!!!” 

… which would have lead to this:

RONDO TRADE RUMORS

“If you see Danny Ainge on the street before I do, you tell him I’ll fucking hunt him down and give him another heart attack if he trades this kid. He’s my favorite born & bred Celtic since Larry. He’s up and above Reggie Lewis for me. He’s redonkulously good. I’ll have kittens if they don’t get a Deron Williams or a Chris Paul for him, and even then, I’d still be upset.” 

which would lead to…

RAY ALLEN TRADE RUMORS

“Strangely, I’m ok with this. If he was traded for (or a chance to draft) a young buck who’s got FUTURE STUD written all over him; yeah, I’d do it. Wouldn’t make me happy, but I’d be OK. The Celtics have to start building the bridge to the future after this Big 3 goes, so we don’t end up like we did after the last Big 3 went. Am I ready for Celtics: The Next Generation? No. But it’s not too soon to look for the Riker to Rondo’s Jean Luc Picard.”

Which would have lead us to:

STAR TREK

“Dude, that movie ruled my face.”  

Which would have lead us to:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

“Looks like the suckiest pile of suck that ever sucked. Did more kids need seizures? Why else would you make it?”

which would have lead us to:

MEGAN FOX

“Oh right. That’s why. Thank you, Michael Bay!”

which would have lead us to:

THE HANGOVER

“I’ve never seen a movie get such consistent raves from everyone who’s seen it. It’s supposed to be funnier than shit, but I haven’t seen it yet. I’ve got a real fear of unexplained babies left in closets.”

Which would have lead us to:

JON & KATE

“FUCK these two fuckity fucks. They probably had 9 kids and left one of them in a closet. Or sold it to get their closets redone. Either way, FUCK THEM IN A CLOSET.”

which would have lead us to:   

TYLER HANSBOUROUGH

“No doubt in my mind, Tyler Hansborough will be the first pro athlete to come out of the closet. And not just gay. Flaming Homo Crying-in-his-Adam-Lambert-eyeliner GAY. I hope he gets drafted by the Nets so he has a scene to cruise.”  

which would lead us to:

(By the way, FUCK JOAKIM NOAH. He’s getting his own post later. I’ve just got so much fucking hatred for that twatwaffle, I can’t contain it all here. Anyway… let’s keep going.)

THE NBA DRAFT

“I don’t mind if the Celtics buy a pick late in the 1st, but I hope they don’t trade up for Tyreke Evans, or Thabeet. I like some of the dudes who will go in the 2nd Round; like Jeff Adrien from UConn, or Dionte Christmas from Temple, but man, it’s a sucky pack of kids overall. I do know this: Blake Griffin’s gotta be PISSED he’s gonna play for the Clip. At least he’s going to enjoy the weather.”

which would lead us to:

THE  SUCKTASTIC WEATHER

“Living in Massachusetts in June this year is like being trapped in the movie Bladerunner, only with no hope of being killed and put out of our misery by replicants.”

which would have lead us to:

ZACH PACE

“What do you mean, who? You know, the doucherocket who thinks he’s a rapper who I tore apart in this post for being just AWFUL at life while also being a Sox fan. Well, he found our post, and left a darling little comment. Allow me to quote with all of it’s misspelled and unpunctuated glory:

zach pace Says:
May 24, 2009 at 10:09 am e

hey fuck nut i did this vid to give that bitch some exsposer and i rap for fun motherfuker but do produce music video’s for artist like Dblock, unfitted , ex. all iv dune is help people and give oppertunity i put this up on youtube and barstool did all the rest, i did not want this to blow up like it did. suck my mother fucking dick u hater you think your shit talking puts me down this is the shit that makes me happy love it keep it up u aint fucking up my bankroll yyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaa “bitch”

truly your zach pace

Ladies & Gentlemen: The US Educational System! But maybe I DID fuck up: All I did was help Zac get some mor exposer for his TERYBUL MOOSIK. What have I dune?”

Which would have lead us to:

RED SOX

“We are just NUTTING all over the Yanks’ face this year.”

which would have lead us to:

DICE-K

“Over $100 million spent on this chumpwad, and he’s never wowed me. I haven’t seen a more-overhyped Asian service since that “massage” I got in Vegas.”   

Which would have lead to:

THE US OPEN

“Speaking of wet, rough and sloppy…”

Which would have lead into:

IRAN

“Um, no offense, but doesn’t it seem like more Americans are getting worked up over this fixed election than the ones that Bush “won” here? Not to belittle the Iranians plight, and it sucks for all involved, but where was the outrage when Al Gore and the rest of us were getting jobbed?”

Which would have lead to:

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Other than his lame jokes about Iran in his too-long monologue, I’m loving the fact that I can watch the Tonight Show without wanting to stab someone again. It’s been great, the musical guests have been awesome, and TwitterTracker is hilarious.”

 

Which would have lead to:

ED MCMAHON

“Yeah, it sucks about Ed. He was always underrated. Who’s going to drop off my huge-ass check at my doorstep now? “

Which would’ve lead to:

FARRAH FAWCETT

“Yeah, she’s dead too.”

Which would have finally lead to:

ELIZABETH TAYLOR

“Dibs on her in the celebrity deathpool!”

MAKE IT HAPPEN, DANNY.

It’s not the first time I’ve said this, but let’s do this thing. I want to be able to rock these bad boys by the end of the week.