DEAR DAVE GROHL: THAT NEW FOO FIGHTERS SONG IS FUCKING HORRIBLE

(I was going to post the new song here for you to listen to so you could sample the dreadfulness for yourself, but Id rather not have host that much suckitude on this site in case it infested it with interweb-scabies, so I’ll just link to it instead here. Trust me, it sucks, but if you haven’t heard it yet and want to get a whiff of it, go ahead. I’ll wait.)

(So what did I tell you? AWFUL, right? Ok, here we go.) 

 

Dear Mr. Grohl:

Hello. My name is Braden. I’m a big fan of yours. Actually, you’re my favorite musician ever. I have a great deal of respect for you and your career, and you put on one hell of a live show; one of the best ones I’ve ever seen.

But we need to talk.

That new song you just put out? “Wheels“, I believe it’s called?

It’s fucking atrocious.

What the hell, dude? Come on. Are you serious? I heard it for the first time driving home yesterday, and when the DJ told me she had a new Foo song to play, I was so psyched for a new Foo Fighters single, I kept the radio on through 5 commercials and a promo just to hear it. And the DJ backsold it, teased it, pretty much humped it into the ground.

And it blew goats.

That piece of rhinoceros shit sounds like it’s trying to be a new country-tinged nursery rhyme, with just a sprinkling of retard. Dude, it sounds like Tim McGraw trying to do rock music. I’ve heard Linkin Park songs I’ve liked more than that.  And what the fuck is with the lyrics? Let’s review for a second:

I know what you’re thinkin’
We were goin’ down
I can feel the sinkin’
But then I came around 

And everyone I’ve loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin’ mattered anymore
I looked into the sky

Well we all want something better than
We wish for something new
Well we all want something beautiful
Wish for something true
Been lookin’ for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it’s all over
There’s another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

Come on. That’s on par with Scott Stapp or the dude from Nickelback in terms of ham-fisted douchebaggery. It’s simplistic cliche after simplistic cliche.

You’re better than that.

Look, I still love you. You’ll have a lifetime pass with me because of Nirvana, but I really started to hold you in the highest regard after the first Foo album. Then you blew me away with The Colour & The Shape. Its one of my Top 5 favorite albums of all-time. My ”Top 10 Songs of All Time” list has 3 songs you had a hand in. You’re the best drummer I’ve ever seen or heard, your previous songwriting is superb, and you’re my favorite performer to go see live.

But this “Wheels” song sucks my nuts.

Yes, I know this is just a tacked-on “new” original song for the Greatest Hits collection, and that in most cases, bands throw songs on those albums that weren’t good enough to make previous ones, but that’s no excuse. It pains me to hear a DJ come on and attach the name Foo Fighters to that musical abortion. It drags down the rest of your excellent work.

Now, I wasn’t the biggest fan of the last three albums, but the last one there (Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace) showed a little bit of feistiness and I was hoping for a little bit of a return to the early Foo days. But this new song, if that’s the direction you’re going to head in, shit. I’ve got to tell you, I’m going to hop off the bandwagon and quit making drunken arguments in bars on account of you being a genius. 

I love you, Dave… but stop with the generic non-rock and kick our ass again.
Thanks.

Sincerely -

Braden & Foo Fans everywhere
coltmonday.com

THEY CANCELLED READING RAINBOW?! THOSE FUCKTARDS!

LeVar Burton was my homeboy growing up.
As a geeky puny bespectacled snotfactory in the 1980’s, one of my only friends in the world was LeVar Burton. I’d come home (as all the other kids were busy being good at sports, huffing paint behind woodsheds, or looking for me so they could pelt me with crabapples) and sit down and go on an awesome imaginary literary adventure with LeVar every afternoon. It’s one of my favorite memories of my childhood, sitting in my dad’s leather recliner, eating apple slices, and watchin’ Reading Rainbow. And today, they cancelled it because nobody wants to pay for the re-licensing fees or some bullshit.

Look, the decline in intelligence from one American generation to the next is already grossly apparent; but if PBS, the government or the FCC is going to strap allegorical cement boots on the next one’s collective IQ to make sure they’re all nosepicking paste-eaters, this would be the way to start. Reading Rainbow was the FUCKIN’ BALLS, and every decent, semi-intuitive 25-35 year old non-douche watched it back in the day. If kids are going to rot their brains in front of a TV, Reading Rainbow is head-and-fuckin’-shoulders better than Sesame Street, Pokemon, Naruto, or any other drek on Kid’s TV.

 I’m going to pour some out for you tonight, LeVar. I’ll read a passage from Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Mysterious Handprints for you as I do it. We’ll miss you, Reading Rainbow.  Especially the theme song. This thing ruled my face.  I can still sing it word for word now. “Butterfly in the sky….”

*(Clink to Warmingglow.com for alerting me to the terrible news)

A PHILLIES FAN TAKES A SHOT OF VODKA WHILE ATOP A STREETLIGHT

Saw this over at Home Run Derby. This is obviously after the big win in Philly last night, and this mouthbreather just about gets himself killed. That was one hell of a toss, too. I want to have sex with the sound it makes when it clanks off his skull. 

Hell, if he was in Boston, one of our over-exuberant asshole cops would’ve made sure he’d have eaten a  Pepper-spray pellet before he got near the top of that thing.

(clink to Home Run Derby for the vid)

HALLOWEEN COSTUME #2: AUNT JEMIMAH & HER WAFFLE

WARNING: If you decide to try to swing this, you better have some big-ass nuts. Don’t wear within 100 miles of Harlem, or you will never be seen again.  

On second thought, don’t do this one, either.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA #1: CAPT. SCRAMBLES!

Don’t have any idea what you want to be for Halloween? Sure, you could throw on some eyeglasses, maybe a wig, carrying around a flute and/or an assault rifle while wearing a bikini and talking like an extra from Fargo and be Sarah Palin for the night, but there’s going to be a ton of people doing that. So don’t stoop to it unless you are totally out of ideas and are ridiculously hot, like so:

(clink to Gawker! for the pic)

But if you really want to be topical and totally face-meltingly rad you should go as the mascot of this very site! It’s easy too! here’s what you’ll need:

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CAPTAIN SCRAMBLES, THE PRO-CHOICE PIRATE!

“ARRR, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO FISH OUT THAT FOUL FETUS FOR YA?”

See you in hell!