That Guy – The Winter Warrior
Well hey there, poopmongers. So after just the BEST weekend ever, I woke up this morning, threw a pair of long johns, two shirts and three coats plus a scarf, mittens, a winter cap, a portable space heater, a silver cross and snowshoes and went out to try to start my car up at 4 this morning when the temperature outside was somehow lower than Kevin’s IQ.
As Kevin and Pete do every night with their better halves, I was forced to beg and plead with my frigid little engine to turn over, but when it finally did, I decided to celebrate and I stopped on my way in to grab a hot cocoa with extra marshmallows from my little mom & pop coffee shop in Southie, but while I was standing there waiting for my little cup of warm sugary happiness, our that guy for this walks in behind me, shivered from head to toe, and kicked the snow off his sandals.
That’s right, sandals.
Introducing That Guy – That guy who refuses to dress appropriately during the winter.
What, are you allergic to down? Boots? Common sense? It’s less hospitable out there than Kevin to the guy holding up the drive thru line at McDonald’s, how can you be strolling around in nothing more than a windbreaker, flip-flops and your own scantily protected immune system? You’re either braver than any girl who chooses to drink in the same bar as Roethlisberger, or dumber than one who shows fear while drinking in that bar, as that only makes him hornier. Either way, you’re screwed.
Are you trying to prove how tough you are? That’s really sad, sadder than Steven Tyler being on American Idol, which I’m convinced would never have been allowed to happen if Joe Perry was still alive. Who are you trying to impress by braving the elements and showing you aren’t nature’s bitch? Yeah, way to go and show nature’s whose boss, bucko! It’s colder than an ex-wife sitting on an igloo’s toilet seat waiting for an alimony check, but you showed New England what’s up by steadfastly refusing to prevent the flu and snot-encrusted sickness you’ll undoubtedly contract and then spread to all of your unfortunate coworkers.
You know, speaking of Steven Tyler, we’re supposedly going to have more white stuff dropped on us this week than Aerosmith’s coffee table did back in the 70’s, how do you plan on navigating the ice and snow that covers every inch of the ice and snow that’s already covering everything else?
How about you smarten up and Go to Goodwill, grab yourself a parka, a pullover, a fleece, a hoodie, a smoking jacket, a jean jacket, a leather jacket, a flight jacket, a straight jacket, a life jacket, a satin jacket with Pedro stitched across the back even if you’re name doesn’t happen to be Pedro, a pea coat, a petticoat, a zip-up, a Snuggie, a sweater, a sweatshirt, a sweaty Greek guy, a snowsuit, a thermal, a frock, a duster, a blazer, a bathrobe, anything… or else I’ll take this travel mug full of cocoa and cram it up your cramhole. Do me a favor, don’t be that guy.