Well Hey there, butt sniffers. I don’t know if the listeners have heard yet, but Obama announced Osama Bin Laden was killed last night! Maybe you fell asleep early yesterday, or were passed out like I was after drinking yourself into a stupor following that debacle of a Game 1 vs. the Heat, but if you hadn’t heard yet; I’ll allow that news to sink in. Osama Bin Laden is dead. I’m just glad that I got a chance to tell you, and you didn’t have to suffer the way my brother did: He was awoken out of a sound slumber at 12:30am by a drunken buddy who kept calling him to tell him the good news.
Only problem was my Bro had watched the President’s announcement, so he already knew about it. But he did discover a tasty tidbit: His buddy was that guy. That guy who just has to be the first person to tell you the big news.
Oh we all have one of these poopmongers in our mist: He’s the guy who strolls into the office or conference room or quote unquote Chinese massage parlor (hey, no judgment) and announces to anyone and everyone “HEY! DID YOU GUYS HEAR?!” Maybe he’ll hold his hand up to his ear and say a little birdie told him something, or even go with the whole “deet a deet deet deet Breaking news bit”, because that’s about as fresh as a Who wants be a millionaire reference.
Oh, what is it? Did you save 15% on your car insurance? Did Timmy fall down the well again? Please, my one and only trustworthy source of information about the happenings in the outside world, pray tell – what news do you bring us this fine and dewy spring morn? Jeez, it’s like this guy has never heard of twitter, the 24 hour news cycle or the fact there are more cable news stations out there than remnants of peeps still stuck in Karlson’s teeth from Easter! No, he just LOVEs to be the guy to break the story to you, because he defines his self-worth and satisfaction as being the dude who keeps his coworkers informed about current events.
Hey, did you kill Osama? No, you were too busy writing Battlestar Galactica fan fiction or picking out what loafers to wear today, homeslice, so the perceived pride you derive from being the first person to make me privy to this piece of profound news since you’re so plugged in is misplaced, moron. Tell you what, Cronkite, if you’ve got a bulletin about how you’re going to stop blowing your barftastic coffee breath in my face everymoring, I’ll gladly be the first to subscribe to your newsletter, but until then, why don’t you relax with the topical tomfoolery and leave it to the pros, I’m sure they’ll tell me all about Osama being killed as soon as they wrap up their Dancing With the Stars recap.
So save your breathless rehashing of what you heard on Fox News this morning, because no one really likes second-hand fiction, and save it for the stuffed animals on your bed when you return home alone this evening. Or else, I’ll drink three cups of coffee, head to the bathroom, bury a few bin Ladens of my own, and then cram them up your cramhole. Do me a favor, don’t be that guy.