That Guy Who takes a day off to go to Patriots Training Camp
Well hey there, dumpcakes. Before we get going, congratulations to everybody for making it to the 6 year point here at ZLX, which means we’re 5 years and 9 months overdue to be fired and 3 months from Kevin’s anticipated quadruple bypass. Yay! I’ve wasted a presidential term and a half of my life working with you muckmelons!
Speaking of work, I was looking for one of the engineers who are the only ones allowed to duct tape things together around here to help me with getting the floppies they make us use to go into my commodore 64, but Lee at the front desk told me they all took the day off. Usually, that’d be enough to get me mad, but then he told me where they went, and I’m naming the entire Engineering department my That Guys of the week. That guy who takes the day off the work to go to Patriots Training Camp.
I think these people are just as confused as the people who think Obama is a brown-skinned antiwar socialist with a god-complex who gives away free healthcare. (You’re thinking of Jesus.) And this isn’t real football. If my years as a 95 lb tackling dummy for Coach Herman on the Martha’s Vineyard Vineyarders are any indication, training camps not only suck to be part of, they’re painfully boring to watch.
Ooh! Let’s watch the big fat O-linemen sprint 10 feet for half an hour! Hey look, there’s Ochocinco! He’s really soaking up the knowledge! Look at him flip through that playbook! What poise! Hey, let’s watch the tight ends run button hook patterns at half speed over and over for hours on end! Oooh, Belichick’s wearing khaki shorts, THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE! I gotta blog about this!
There’s no points, no tackling, they’re not even wearing PADS! Honestly, you’re going to watch other people get ready for their real jobs. Hey, maybe we can start selling tickets so people can watch Pete read the paper in the morning! Or Heather make coffee! Or me holding Kevin’s hand, trying to convince him it’s his usual pre-show sweat and not spiders running down his buttcrack! Oh wait, that’s a terrible idea? Well so is taking a day off so you can watch other people work, you morons!
I have no idea how much it costs, but if memory serves, we’re not far off from paying 20 bucks to breathe the air near Gillette Stadium, so it can’t be cheap. No wonder we’re terrible with our money as a country and we damn near defaulted – by the way, My solution to the debt ceiling problem was perfect: We’d just sell the people dumb enough to get Chinese characters tattooed on themselves to China to help pay off our debt to them. They’re already marked as property! But back to the mission at hand: Yeah, you people paying to go to Pats training camp are idiots.
I can sit on my couch, drink good free beer and write jokes about how Kevin was so fat as a child, it took three villages and a forklift to raise him, all while watch the three minute recap on Comcast SportsNet of all that happened at practice and laugh while you guys pay out the ass so you can sweat in the sun and exert more energy trying to pay for parking than Albert Haynesworth will while YOU PAY TO WATCH HIM NOT DO ANYTHING, and then laugh again.
Now shut up or I’ll take that mustard stained napkin you got signed by the guy who’s going to get cut next week and cram it up your cramhole. Do me a favor, don’t be that guy.